Lessons learned from my last relationship

Now that we have collectively digested my last post, I thought it would important to pin point my biggest takeaways from my last (and most toxic) relationship. In every situation, there is always a lesson to be learnt.

Lesson 1:

If something makes me uncomfortable, I should speak up!

My ex would make these snarky comments either about my weight or how my clothes looked on me. ‘Those jeans make your butt look so flat. Change them.’ I would let it slide but know in my heart that I did not like what he said OR I would bring it up in a joking manner because I did not want to offend him. The right thing to do would have been to let him know in a polite yet assertive manner that the way he spoke to me was degrading and would not be tolerated.

Lesson 2:

Control starts small and builds up.

It started with, ‘You’re exposing your body too much and need to cover up more’ if I was stepping out in a low-cut crop top – something I wear all the time during the summer.

Then he would inquire about how many men were at any events I attended and told me to avoid talking to guys when he was not present. He told me I talked to my family too much. I can only imagine what it would have steadily built up to if I had stayed. All of a sudden I find myself calling my family only once a week instead of daily, just to please him. Never!

Lesson 3:

Never lend money to a boyfriend.

I mean, unless you are prepared to never get it back. Some of you may disagree but this is my opinion. A man I have just started dating should not depend on me for a loan. Where is his family? Where are his friends? We are practically strangers so what would you do if you did not know me? I also hate when men claim to use this as test to see if a woman is ‘ride or die.’ I am not riding or dying with anybody. I will always fail that stupid test which holds no weight because a man will always leave you if he wants to. Being a able to lend his money does not a good girlfriend make. If a man is not financially sound, he has no business dating around. He should focus on himself. How does he expect to build with somebody’s daughter when he has nothing to offer financially and expects to be lent money.

I am no longer in the business of lending money to men who are not my brothers/nephew. This policy extends to not just men, but anyone I do not consider a very close friend. I can give some money away and not expect it back but to lend?! No bueno. It’s not for me. Never been my thing.

Lesson 4:

Don’t trust people who make a spectacle of giving to the less fortunate.

Even the Bible says the left hand shouldn’t know what the right hand donates. This dude used to make us stop everywhere to give money to any beggars we came across. It made me uncomfortable how ‘loud’ the gesture came across. Mind, you, 99% of the time, he would ask me for the money to give to them…

Lesson 5:

Those who feel the need to prove their wealth are insecure.

I had mentioned that this man loved to be decked in his gold chain or Versace tracksuit and Maserati (which he could not afford and had to cancel his order but that’s another story). So flashy but would be asking for loans. I asked him why he felt the need to drive a luxury car and he said it’s because that’s how he liked to be seen and it made him feel good. Wanting people to see you as rich is the worst reason to purchase expensive items – especially if you cannot afford them.

Just because someone is from humble beginnings, does not mean they understand the value of a dollar.

You can take the man out of the streets…

Lesson 6:

A man professing his love after a week is a red flag.

I’ve never liked that. It makes me cringe when a man tells me he’s falling in love or already in love with me after a week. I never believe it. I do not believe in love at first sight. It automatically makes me think you’ll want something from me soon and this has been the case for me. It’s the same with men saying they want to marry me after a week. Eww. Who says you deserve me? You do not know anything about me and our compatibility but want to dangle the word ‘marriage’ in front of me so you can breadcrumb me in this relationship after all, women just want marriage, right? You wish to have me holding on to the hope that you will marry me so whatever you do in between would be forgiven- after all, women just want marriage, right?

Do my lessons learnt resonate with you? Let me know!